you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
