i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
third nipple confirmed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
