its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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