I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
