I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
