Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
They took my balls.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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