We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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