I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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