I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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