Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
