at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
