I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize