I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize