So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
