Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
