I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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