When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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