He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
