Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
