ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
