I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Soap is not a condiment
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
