I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
