He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize