Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
