the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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