So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
