haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
