Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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