My balls are so social today.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
