just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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