Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
