I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
