im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My feet surprised me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
