I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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