Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
