I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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