I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
