I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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