either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
