if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i permit you to call me
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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