the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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