hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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