capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
