clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
