I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
