Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
