tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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