never play flip cup with pint glasses
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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