You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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