Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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