I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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