We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
