i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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