I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
