I have demons in me.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
