I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
