I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
be right there i have to get my cape
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
