had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
