Porn is love you can see.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
